The Shrubbery Report

Investigations of critical factors affecting non-vertical shrubbery leakage (interim report)

Extract
The widespread incidence of shrubbery leakage is described in terms of its proliferation over the major continents of both Northern America and Australia. A variety of data collection techniques are used to provide a rich source of research material to be used when undertaking sophisticated analysis procedures. These procedures are described and include the technique of comparison through use of oral sensory input, comparative regional analysis and counter-gravity attitudinal analysis (beta-tested only). The results of data collection and preliminary analysis have been tabulated, enabling the use of advanced statistical methods including the use of PC-based statistical packages such as SMS through which rapid multi-variate analysis is made possible. Final conclusions of the research project are being withheld pending confirmation of results by independent project auditors. While no specific date for release of outcomes is available, this is expected to occur within the lifetime of all those concerned.
Background
It is important to recognise that shrubbery leakage is not an uncommon occurrence throughout the Australian continent and indeed throughout the entire Asia-Pacific region. Indeed it has also been identified in other parts of the world with confirmed outbreaks occurring in the North American continent (specifically California ) (1) and suspected outbreaks have occurred in London and other parts of Europe (2) . Anecdotal evidence of Leakage in a variety of forms has been known of for generations in these areas, but it is in only relatively recent times that it has come to the notice of serious academic investigation.
Early researchers of the subject became aware of the problem through their own personal experiences, sometimes at the cost of great personal sacrifice to their health. Occasionally these early researchers were known to conduct their research well into the wee small hours of the morning, pausing only to snatch a nap when too physically exhausted to stand up, before resuming their intensive investigations once again, sometimes from a horizontal position in extreme cases. Often these researchers would experience cases of "severe personal ecology wasting" syndrome, or SPEW for short. Nowadays, this condition is known to be caused by a mysterious virus, the effects of which normally last for approximately 12 hours, post-research period, although this can sometimes last longer (dependent upon intensity of research endeavours). Viral effects can, to some extent, be attenuated through early resumption of research activities. However, this approach is known to usually postpone the effects of the virus rather than to cure it.
Shrubbery leakage appears to be an increasingly common problem in modern times, its effects having been noted in an epidemic spread throughout the civilised world (Australia and California, USA). Other more primitive regions are known to also harbour the problem. Indeed, the British have actually been in fundamental denial of the problem for thousands of years, despite the suggestion that early evolution of shrubbery and its leakage actually took place in the British Isles early in the first century AD.

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(1) Guthrie, L: Shrubbery Leakage in Los Angeles coastal areas, Ducks and Drakes (pub), NY, 1999
(2) Gunn, B: Suspected Northern Hemisphere gravity determinants in Leakage, WetWhistle (pub), London, 2000

(3) The legendary search by King Arthur for the Holy Grail is now known to be a sanitised version of the true story of how the knights of the round table were sent off by Arthur to search for their favourite communal drinking pot after it was stolen by the Knights who go Ni. See Appendix A for a more complete exposition of the significance of this legend in relation to this research project.

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